A new vision
Really. A new vision. I wasn't blind - by any means. I had to wear glasses for distance - and for close up work. Being a photographer I must have broken 3 or 4 pairs of glasses as I worked over the past 3 years. Luckily, they were warranted. Being a visual artist all my 50 years, it was growing increasingly irritating fighting with dirty/smudgy/scratchy glasses. Anything that impeded my vision was just not to be.
Last year I started doing research into Lasik surgery. Scary yes, - nope - that's all. Scary. But as they say, no pain, no gain. All the anecdotal stories, the positive articles published here there and yon. The positive nature of the entire process that is out there for all to see. And hey, I have great insurance. So, while the insurance really didn't pay (its an elective surgery), it did offer a good discount. I set the goal to have it done 1st quarter of the year -- and see what could be seen.
I went under the knife (Laser) on March 20.
The experience itself was interesting to say the least. I took my meds (Valium) when I arrived, and promptly went into the "so-what" attitude. I guess one needs that in order to allow a great big laser beam into one's eye. And you know. It was easy. It was indeed painless, but it was scary too. They set me up with a very stylish eye shield, some fancy sunglasses, and loads of steroid drops, antibiotic drops, pain relief pills, and lubrication drops. Pills as I needed for pain. The drops alternated on the first day (steroid/lubrication), every 30 minutes until bed time. The antibiotic drops were easier - only 4 times a day. And oh, a doctor ordered Nap? What's better than that? All was well; I watched Jay Leno for the first time from my bed without my glasses and saw him and his guest, John Edwards in crystal clarity. It was truly a miracle.
But then. If all went as expected, I wouldn't be writing this.
About midnight, I awoke to pain in my right eye. My eye shield was intact and in place. What could have happened. After dropping in some lubricant, and took a tentative look around my moonlit bedroom, I was afraid. My left eye was perfect, my right -- only light and shape - no definition, no vision. The pain that awoke me felt like a log in my eye. I said a quick prayer - relubricated the eye but to no avail. Still the same result. Lights and shape.. And it wasn't anything like the pretty background boket that one gets when shooting a portrait at f1.8. It was just mush. I tossed and turned for about an hour. Woke my husband - cuz misery loves company! And we called the doctor to make a party of it. As they say: Two's company, three's a party!
He decided, although he really needed to see it; that I dislodged the flap somehow and it needed to be refloated. Bryan and I really did not go back to sleep.
Friday. Floating. humm. sounds like no problem. even fun!
Boy, was I wrong. Apparently, my flap got all bunched up in the corner of my eye. Picture a wad of waste paper.. microscopic, floating in the corner of your eye. Ouch.
We met the doctor at 7:45 am in front of his office. He promptly investigated the problem, and indeed, did a refloat. Unfortunately, just like a piece of paper that has been wadded up, it now had wrinkles and creases in it. Not good for vision. Another Ouch! So, he had the office "OR" prepped for me, and in I went. They put numbing drops in, and put in a speculum to keep my eye lids out of the way. Both eyes were to be open; and yes, I was awake. Keeping my focus on the bright light focused on my eyes, he said he need to put some microscopic stitches in to keep the flap drum-tight. Picture the tension straps on a drum. So he proceeded to stitch my eye up. I thought I counted 20 stitches - but who knows? Then he inserted a Bandage Contact Lens to keep all the stitch ends from irritating my eye lid. He said, and I quote,"we are going to try to salvage your flap..." That sent my emotions off -- I started to cry as they led me back to the normal exam room. My left eye- of course is great. My right -- while I could now see out of it, it was as if I had Vaseline smeared over it. But hey, another doctor ordered nap came with the procedure -- I was down with that. Between the Darvocette, the massive dose of oral steroids, and getting little to no sleep the previous night, I wanted to sleep.
So, off to sleepy time for me. When I awoke, I started in on the same regimen of drops for my right eye - and reduced to 4x a day drops for my left eye.
Between all the droppings and naps, bad movies and bad TV, his words came back to haunt me. "Trying to salvage your flap." In any other life - I could live with that. This was simply unacceptable. I have been drawing since I can remember. doing art. Its something I have always shared with my mother - my first teacher - in so many things. "Simplify Dawn", is what she always told me. "Add a little here -- there's too much there... see what you can take out."
When I was a teenager, i realized my father was a visual artist as well -- by trade he is an engineer. But then he started teaching B&W darkroom procedure at the Southwest Craft Center in the mid 70s. He eventually opened up a darkroom supply house with gallery space on Broadway. (For you locals it was called Byron's Place). It was there that I was introduced to the Ansel Adams zone system and the amazing works that could be done. Both my parents were artists. I come from a long line of using both eyes.
My fears came out. My whole career has been based on what I see. I act as lead staff photographer/senior photo editor for my employer, and have honed my visual style to one that has been accredited by the Professional Photographers of America. I earned my Certified Professional Photographer designation just last fall. So, if we couldn't salvage my flap - what am i to do? I cried and cried some more. Talked to mom, scared my brother enough so he wouldn't get it done. (Sorry, Scott) To the people I called, I thank you for your words of encouragement. Not to be forgotten; my normal Optomotrist, Dawn Rakish was simply wonderful. She called Friday afternoon and spoke to my husband, and again on Saturday to check up on me. She said what happened is very rare -- and that I was 1 out of 100. Naturally.
I had a post op appointment with Dr. Snip - the opthomologist on Saturday morning at 7:30 and I was going to get a "good job." My husband - God bless him, set the alarm to go off every 30 minutes throughout Friday night... I was up to redrop my injury. I think it was the longest night of my life!
Saturday, the sacrifice in sleep paid off.
I got good news on Saturday. It looked good. The swelling was pretty good, but the steroids were keeping things under control. He had another doctor look at me, and said "Shes a set up for DKI" -- some sort of infection.. argghh. Nothing to do but take more naps - take it really easy and keep the drops going. He didn't want to see me until Monday (Sunday was Easter!) at 7:30. Get me in early!
Monday, The stitches are out!
We woke up again very early. In the night, I reduced the dropping frequency to about 4 times in the night and of course still sleeping with my shield on. When we got to the doctor's office, he sat me down in the exam room and plucked out the contact lens. (Could he have waited another 30 seconds to allow the numbing drops to fully take effect? I think so.) Boy, I thought I had a porcupine in my eye! All the stitch ends sticking up - I immediately started tearing up. He grabbed his little tool - glad I really couldn't see it and started to pull on the stitches. I had to keep both eyes open, that was really hard. One girl was in to keep my lids pulled back and I had to do my left eye! OUCH!!! Seven stitches later -- by then it felt like 50... they were all out.
The goal: 20/30
After everything is done, and my vision settles down, I think it will all be worth it. Right now, I am at 20/60. Eventually, I will be at 20/15. 2 hours after the stitches come out - I am still itchy there, and I have a lot of rescheduling of photo gigs to do. I am not sure if I can shoot with confidence in my right eye. I will do some experimental shooting with my left eye to see what I can do.
That's the nutshell, but here's the nut.
What could I have done? Who would I have been? Up until a year ago, I always knew I was a talented artist, but was too humbled by the comments given by what-ever/who-ever saw it within their right to judge my work. I find out now, usually motivated by jealousy. I turned 50 last June. In doing so, I have given myself permission to recognize that which I so fervently sought after - permission to be good. Permission to be great. The fear of losing my sight - even in one eye was too much to consider. I am finally in a place in my life (career being only a part of that) that I know what I can do. And am striving to do it. And I am realizing that I am good. If someone doesn't want me to shoot their wedding, then I'll be in my back yard weeding. If some one doesn't want my vision for a portrait - I am fine painting what I want. I will be considering changes to the way I work as well as the types of personal work I do. Its got to matter - its too important.
My optometrist: Dr. Dawn Rakish, my ophthalmologist: Dr. Robert Snip. Both very good. Both caring, heartfelt care. I thank both of you!
And to my husband - Bryan for being there - holding my hand, being the love of my life.
Thanks for reading.
Last year I started doing research into Lasik surgery. Scary yes, - nope - that's all. Scary. But as they say, no pain, no gain. All the anecdotal stories, the positive articles published here there and yon. The positive nature of the entire process that is out there for all to see. And hey, I have great insurance. So, while the insurance really didn't pay (its an elective surgery), it did offer a good discount. I set the goal to have it done 1st quarter of the year -- and see what could be seen.
I went under the knife (Laser) on March 20.
The experience itself was interesting to say the least. I took my meds (Valium) when I arrived, and promptly went into the "so-what" attitude. I guess one needs that in order to allow a great big laser beam into one's eye. And you know. It was easy. It was indeed painless, but it was scary too. They set me up with a very stylish eye shield, some fancy sunglasses, and loads of steroid drops, antibiotic drops, pain relief pills, and lubrication drops. Pills as I needed for pain. The drops alternated on the first day (steroid/lubrication), every 30 minutes until bed time. The antibiotic drops were easier - only 4 times a day. And oh, a doctor ordered Nap? What's better than that? All was well; I watched Jay Leno for the first time from my bed without my glasses and saw him and his guest, John Edwards in crystal clarity. It was truly a miracle.
But then. If all went as expected, I wouldn't be writing this.
About midnight, I awoke to pain in my right eye. My eye shield was intact and in place. What could have happened. After dropping in some lubricant, and took a tentative look around my moonlit bedroom, I was afraid. My left eye was perfect, my right -- only light and shape - no definition, no vision. The pain that awoke me felt like a log in my eye. I said a quick prayer - relubricated the eye but to no avail. Still the same result. Lights and shape.. And it wasn't anything like the pretty background boket that one gets when shooting a portrait at f1.8. It was just mush. I tossed and turned for about an hour. Woke my husband - cuz misery loves company! And we called the doctor to make a party of it. As they say: Two's company, three's a party!
He decided, although he really needed to see it; that I dislodged the flap somehow and it needed to be refloated. Bryan and I really did not go back to sleep.
Friday. Floating. humm. sounds like no problem. even fun!
Boy, was I wrong. Apparently, my flap got all bunched up in the corner of my eye. Picture a wad of waste paper.. microscopic, floating in the corner of your eye. Ouch.
We met the doctor at 7:45 am in front of his office. He promptly investigated the problem, and indeed, did a refloat. Unfortunately, just like a piece of paper that has been wadded up, it now had wrinkles and creases in it. Not good for vision. Another Ouch! So, he had the office "OR" prepped for me, and in I went. They put numbing drops in, and put in a speculum to keep my eye lids out of the way. Both eyes were to be open; and yes, I was awake. Keeping my focus on the bright light focused on my eyes, he said he need to put some microscopic stitches in to keep the flap drum-tight. Picture the tension straps on a drum. So he proceeded to stitch my eye up. I thought I counted 20 stitches - but who knows? Then he inserted a Bandage Contact Lens to keep all the stitch ends from irritating my eye lid. He said, and I quote,"we are going to try to salvage your flap..." That sent my emotions off -- I started to cry as they led me back to the normal exam room. My left eye- of course is great. My right -- while I could now see out of it, it was as if I had Vaseline smeared over it. But hey, another doctor ordered nap came with the procedure -- I was down with that. Between the Darvocette, the massive dose of oral steroids, and getting little to no sleep the previous night, I wanted to sleep.
So, off to sleepy time for me. When I awoke, I started in on the same regimen of drops for my right eye - and reduced to 4x a day drops for my left eye.
Between all the droppings and naps, bad movies and bad TV, his words came back to haunt me. "Trying to salvage your flap." In any other life - I could live with that. This was simply unacceptable. I have been drawing since I can remember. doing art. Its something I have always shared with my mother - my first teacher - in so many things. "Simplify Dawn", is what she always told me. "Add a little here -- there's too much there... see what you can take out."
When I was a teenager, i realized my father was a visual artist as well -- by trade he is an engineer. But then he started teaching B&W darkroom procedure at the Southwest Craft Center in the mid 70s. He eventually opened up a darkroom supply house with gallery space on Broadway. (For you locals it was called Byron's Place). It was there that I was introduced to the Ansel Adams zone system and the amazing works that could be done. Both my parents were artists. I come from a long line of using both eyes.
My fears came out. My whole career has been based on what I see. I act as lead staff photographer/senior photo editor for my employer, and have honed my visual style to one that has been accredited by the Professional Photographers of America. I earned my Certified Professional Photographer designation just last fall. So, if we couldn't salvage my flap - what am i to do? I cried and cried some more. Talked to mom, scared my brother enough so he wouldn't get it done. (Sorry, Scott) To the people I called, I thank you for your words of encouragement. Not to be forgotten; my normal Optomotrist, Dawn Rakish was simply wonderful. She called Friday afternoon and spoke to my husband, and again on Saturday to check up on me. She said what happened is very rare -- and that I was 1 out of 100. Naturally.
I had a post op appointment with Dr. Snip - the opthomologist on Saturday morning at 7:30 and I was going to get a "good job." My husband - God bless him, set the alarm to go off every 30 minutes throughout Friday night... I was up to redrop my injury. I think it was the longest night of my life!
Saturday, the sacrifice in sleep paid off.
I got good news on Saturday. It looked good. The swelling was pretty good, but the steroids were keeping things under control. He had another doctor look at me, and said "Shes a set up for DKI" -- some sort of infection.. argghh. Nothing to do but take more naps - take it really easy and keep the drops going. He didn't want to see me until Monday (Sunday was Easter!) at 7:30. Get me in early!
Monday, The stitches are out!
We woke up again very early. In the night, I reduced the dropping frequency to about 4 times in the night and of course still sleeping with my shield on. When we got to the doctor's office, he sat me down in the exam room and plucked out the contact lens. (Could he have waited another 30 seconds to allow the numbing drops to fully take effect? I think so.) Boy, I thought I had a porcupine in my eye! All the stitch ends sticking up - I immediately started tearing up. He grabbed his little tool - glad I really couldn't see it and started to pull on the stitches. I had to keep both eyes open, that was really hard. One girl was in to keep my lids pulled back and I had to do my left eye! OUCH!!! Seven stitches later -- by then it felt like 50... they were all out.
The goal: 20/30
After everything is done, and my vision settles down, I think it will all be worth it. Right now, I am at 20/60. Eventually, I will be at 20/15. 2 hours after the stitches come out - I am still itchy there, and I have a lot of rescheduling of photo gigs to do. I am not sure if I can shoot with confidence in my right eye. I will do some experimental shooting with my left eye to see what I can do.
That's the nutshell, but here's the nut.
What could I have done? Who would I have been? Up until a year ago, I always knew I was a talented artist, but was too humbled by the comments given by what-ever/who-ever saw it within their right to judge my work. I find out now, usually motivated by jealousy. I turned 50 last June. In doing so, I have given myself permission to recognize that which I so fervently sought after - permission to be good. Permission to be great. The fear of losing my sight - even in one eye was too much to consider. I am finally in a place in my life (career being only a part of that) that I know what I can do. And am striving to do it. And I am realizing that I am good. If someone doesn't want me to shoot their wedding, then I'll be in my back yard weeding. If some one doesn't want my vision for a portrait - I am fine painting what I want. I will be considering changes to the way I work as well as the types of personal work I do. Its got to matter - its too important.
My optometrist: Dr. Dawn Rakish, my ophthalmologist: Dr. Robert Snip. Both very good. Both caring, heartfelt care. I thank both of you!
And to my husband - Bryan for being there - holding my hand, being the love of my life.
Thanks for reading.
Comments
Why to go. Daddy and I ALWAYS knew you were REEEEEEEALEY good at what ever you set out to do. And now, you will be even better...if that's possible.
We love you so much.....
Your Mom
Dad